15 – Letting Go [Let’s Talk About It]

     Apologies for not writing in a long while: Summer has indeed been a hectic one >< but as it’s reaching its final moments, I am grateful for the things I’ve got to experience 🙂 in the Salesian community as a volunteer; with my friends who stuck by my side through thick and thin, and through so much more. Despite this good chaos, Summer has given me more time to face my problems, challenge myself and learn throughout the process – and I’ve been learning a thing or three about letting go: more specifically, letting go of people who were once significant in my life.  

     Letting go does have a ring to it: sounds like the most freeing activity to do for yourself. Although  IT CAN be the case, it has possibly been the most emotionally taxing experience for me to go through. And yes, it has also involved numerous arguments with my brain not to think about those people, several battles with my heart to stop dwelling in negative and self-pity emotions and countless spontaneous bursts of crying. 

     It is no fun cutting ties from anyone you know for various reasons. It is less fun cutting ties permanently from someone you potentially saw yourself talking to for years to come. It’s tough (and emotionally excruciating) realising that people who have once meant so much to you are now people you used to know, and seeing them in public is a painful and personal reminder that they’re to be acknowledged as strangers at all times. Nope, it’s definitely no fun – but I’m realising that it’s best to focus on why you’re doing so, rather that focusing on whom you’re letting go.  

     The first lesson I’m learning is that it’s an opportunity to learn how to put myself first.  I have a very bad habit of placing everyone else before me, and specifically put people who couldn’t give an eyelash about me on pedestals because they have influenced my life positively for a short while. But wasting my mental and emotional energy to keep people who clearly seem better off without me has been tiring, and I am realising I could transfer that energy I use chasing after them to self-care, and hopefully one day, I could love myself properly. 

     Another lesson I’m still accepting is that those people who are better off without me have the right to feel that way. It’s useless being angry because they were the first to cut ties from me. I wish I’d known why they do it in the first place, but it could ultimately be for good reasons, and no one is to judge them or their decisions. Thankfully, they are indirectly allowing space for actually significant people to enter your life, and they no longer have the permission to play around with your feelings. Also, if caring about them didn’t bring them back in the first place, then surely anger will only distance them further and will only make you feel bitter. 

      The final [and perhaps the hardest but most important thing] I am learning whilst letting go is that I’ve ultimately done nothing wrong. Most of the time, I do apologise whenever I realise I might have hurt someone through my own words or actions, but I’ve noticed that sometimes even after doing so, friendships and relationships aren’t meant to happen in the first place. And it’s not because I posses an innate disposition to desist people away from me;  it’s not because I’ve done something wrong which forced them to cut ties from me; and it’s certainly not because I have something faulty with who I am. I still like to be known as the genuine, caring and loving girl, and I should no longer keep perceiving myself as the cause of such unfortunate endings.  

     Life throws situations at us which 90% percent of the time we cannot grasp what happened and why it did. I wish I had the answers to both questions, but wondering about them refrains us from living life with people who should matter to us. And to those whom I’m letting go of –  I thank you for your influence in my life, and I wish nothing but happiness for you. But it’s now time to shift attention towards those who put the effort to stay in my life; and towards myself and my own needs. It’s about time I start loving myself wholeheartedly!


 

 

13 – Empathy > Political Division [Let’s Talk About It]

     This is not my usual kind of post, but I guess there’s a first time for everything… 

     Prior last weekend, I relatively kept quiet about my political views. Inevitably, there where a few times I expressed my opinions and stuck by them (like I still do now) – but I like to see myself as someone who listens to everyone and tries to understand their perspective, rather than instantly labelling them as nagħaġ għomja and injoranti (Blind Sheep and Ignorant People for the non-Maltese speakers).

     Without a doubt, this has been one of the most controversial campaigns Malta has witnessed – after a snap election came out of the blue, the electorate had to choose who could lead the party between practically one of two parties in a span of 32 days (they are respectively called Majority and Minority for this post). The Majority won the General Election for the second consecutive time: and surprisingly, by another landslide of around 34,000 votes!

     Siding with the Minority, the result shook me: particularly because differently to what I thought, the race was not a close call at all! It left me emotionally drained throughout the whole day – and together with the loud celebrations following the result announcement, it definitely did not help me revise or an exam the next day. I couldn’t understand how this happened: how the Majority couldn’t see the things the same way I and several others saw them. Are we stupid? Are we ignorant? Should we be humiliated for being in the Minority? Does this make our reasoning to being in this position any less valid?  

I expressed my shock on Facebook and people who voted for the Majority didn’t hold back from commenting (as it is their right to do so). This included one of my good friends: who like me was a first time voter but unlike most people, he was not biased or affiliated with any party: he solely weighed out the pros and cons of the two sides and voted accordingly. After commenting and replying back to others perceiving the political situation differently, I spoke to him, telling him I hope we’re on good terms despite not agreeing, to which he replied:

Of course, why would you think otherwise?

     Feeling slightly relieved, I went on expressing myself: telling him about how I felt disheartened at how some Majority supporters were humiliating the Minority after a second landslide win; how I took this loss badly, and how I didn’t want to lose our friendship. The next 30 minutes were spent talking politics in spite of the different lenses we might be wearing. We disagreed on some aspects, but we also agreed that both Majority and Minority are wrong in others. I did not disregard his views, and he didn’t humiliate mine. I allowed him to vent out as much as he gave me permission to express my concerns about the country’s future: and we both shared valid points. Towards the end of the conversation, he thanked me for allowing him to discuss such a thing with me, as he hadn’t had the chance to do so with any of his friends. 

    This lifted a weight off my shoulder, and made me feel a bit more hopeful about people. I rarely see individuals of different opinions discuss such issues as delicate as politics in a civilised manner: unfortunately colourful words like Chicken and Giddieba (liars) and Falluti (failures) are still used by people when someone disagrees completely with them. But the conversation didn’t include any of this vocabulary. We didn’t offend the opposing political leaders despite opposing values, and we didn’t even dare dismiss each other’s opinion or cut each other’s statement off. Instead, we both took a step back, and tried to understand each other’s point of view without making our responses feel any less invalid. 

  At the end of the day, we all end up living together: if not on the same island, on the same planet – and in this apparent hell we live in, we need each other more than ever! Everyone voted according to what they thought was best: and Democracy requires to respect the electorate result, whether it is something one likes or is disgusted by. It’s time for people to reach out for their friends who might see things from the other side, and acknowledge their feelings about this election, no matter what they are, even if you can’t fully understand why they’re feeling so. And I first step back and apologise to anyone who I might have hurt through expressing my opinion negatively, or through disregarding their own. It’s also time that both winning and losing politicians seek out to those who might not disagree with them: the only way I believe that a country can truly unite is through talking and understanding the people’s concerns and viewpoints, and feeling comfortable at first hand (I know it’s muuuch easier said than done, but I doubt it’s impossible).

     Elections come and go, and even though one might consider the two consecutive losses suffered by the Minority as tragic, there’s nothing worse than losing a friendship after not adequately listening to their opinion well, and not putting oneself in their shoes. And to the friend I had the conversation with: thank you for restoring a bit of my faith in humanity – you are a friend to keep!


9 – BeYOUtiful [a self-loving kind of post… finally]

     I know it’s been a long time since I last posted: and don’t worry, it’s not because I ran out of ideas on what to write next 😉 I’ve been on the edge to write about this especially in these past two weeks, but I just didn’t know the best way to tackle it – so I’m just going to type along and hope for the best. A perhaps more valid reason is because I maybe was postponing this more frequently than I should:  I find it easy to talk about experiences, situations and people and how they simultaneously influence me positively, however I get stuck when I’m faced with writing something positive about me.

     Although I have probably and implicitly known this since puberty hit me, I am not one who acknowledges my abilities whenever I succeed in doing something, whether be it grand or small. Although I give credit to the people and experiences (good or bad) which ultimately helped me succeed, I alternatively end up being way too hard on myself and critique every possible and hypothetical mistake I have done when something doesn’t go the way I ought it to, even if it weren’t my fault in the first place. I also may be a tad sensitive to the negative remarks others might say about what I say or do. And all of this puts me in a deep and dark sh*t hole of catastrophising, pessimism, negative self talk and a blown out of proportion self pity party which deters my friends from attending it in the first place. So, as narcissistic as this may be, I’m going to attempt and write a short list about the good qualities I find in myself, and the things that I should be proud of having as they make up the multi-mosaic and quirky, beautiful girl that is me. I don’t do this to myself much since I think it may come out as bluffing, but I think it’s time that I do this more often: there’s nothing bad in giving myself a pat on the back every now and then! On to the list 😀 

i. I am a soon to be 20 year old with big frizzy curly hair. People at times may perceive it as a bird’s nest or might assume that an explosion has occurred on my head: but then again not everyone is fortunate enough to grow either of the two as their hairstyle on a daily basis 😉 I perceive it as having a lion’s mane: fierce and strong. I also have crooked teeth, in spite of wearing braces for two years. A relative of mine wants me to arrange such two characteristics, but I don’t mind them at all: you can definitely get a glimpse of my personality by combining the two together.

ii. I am a very loud and energetic person. Even though this might imply that I am able to do stupid things or blurt out absurd thoughts most of the time, it enables me to talk to and get to know people who foster different lifestyles and various outlooks on life. Moreover, it allows me to try out new challenges every once in a while, to seek new opportunities, to confront people, to dance and sing anywhere I can even if I look like a fool doing so 😛 

iii. I am a reflective person. Yes, although it makes me over criticise every negative aspect I might have, it’s a good thing to keep because it generates awareness of my own actions and thoughts, particularly when my mind is in control. This gives me an insight of the things I need to improve on, and eventually shapes me into a good work in progress.

iv. I encapsulate a high functioning brain, which is good in spite of its high tendency of shooting off negative thoughts at a very rapid speed, indirectly making me appear oblivious and high. It makes me perceive things differently from others, to be intelligent and conscious when making important decisions. It has also provided me with a variety of talents that I am very grateful to call my own, and to have always been encouraged to use them properly.

v. I am a very honest person. I feel uncomfortable lying to myself and to others. Although at times it does backfire, it drives me to express my feelings with others, and I don’t mind admitting my mistakes and apologise to anyone whom I may have hurt. It grounds me to be true to myself and do what’s best for me in the presence of other people’s opinions or thoughts. It helps me stick to my roots, my values and morals. It drives me to be the best version of me.

vi. I am a beautiful girl, amidst my “weird” looks and the cracks I posses. I have flaws which I constantly need to work on day in and day out, but this is what creates Marilyn. And I know there will be people who don’t like me, who will choose to focus on criticising my personal negative aspects, or take the piss about the things I do, or judge my own actions. But I won’t let such remarks destroy me: I will incorporate them to improve my story in the making 🙂 

     This may have come out as a cheesy grana padano way to self-boast, but I do challenge you to try this out. At the end of the day, all we got is ourselves, and it’s up to us to allow ourselves embrace all the good and bad we have. There’s nothing wrong in loving ourselves and acknowledging our personal traits: not only it makes us feel better, but it enables us to treat others better. Yes, we all have a storm we’d rather hide from the world, but amidst the chaos we have the potential to soar into the best versions of ourselves.

   So go ahead and give yourself a chance to do so in spite of the troubles you faced, or the mistakes you committed in the past. It might be a constant struggle, but it’s definitely a rewarding process to go through! Embrace the BeYOUtiful being you are ^.^ 


 

 

8 – Moving On [Let’s Talk About It]

I’ve been struggling with this concept of moving on ever since a very brief relationship ended last July, and as time went by it felt like the most devastating thing to happen – and not solely because it was the end of what I thought was a potential relationship. It meant that  a short yet very influential and exciting chapter ended in my life and I had to start on a new blank page on my own. It meant letting go of everything that was once significant to me behind and leaving it behind. And the most horrible part was (and still is) losing contact from a genuinely good guy whom I thought I’d still call friend no matter what – and that sucked. And with no surprise, at times it still sucks!

I guess people define loss depending on their personal experiences, but this felt like a huge loss for me. Over the last 6 months, I spent my time figuring out how to forget all that this experience meant to me: how to remove every trace of memory I had with him from my mind, how to discard every emotion he made me feel, how to rewind and go back to how everything was before anything happened in the first place, how to regain his presence back in my life whilst trying to lose the significance he was to me. But it wasn’t until last week, when a kind friend told me something which made me realise that what I was trying to do all along wasn’t exactly what I should do: 

“Moving on isn’t forgetting how you felt – It is not thinking about it.”

Now, being a University student who’s currently in her 2nd year reading a Psychology degree (and is supposedly studying for her upcoming exams commencing TOMORROW) you’d expect that I could tell the difference between forgetting and not thinking. Well, believe it or not, I truly understood their separate meaning  upon hearing such words.

Moving on is no fun: there’s nothing pleasurable in letting go of something that once made you smile, neither is not talking to someone you were happy to create special memories with. But when this particular chapter ended, I thought I had to scrap out everything which had to do with him. I was petrified of forgetting the feelings I felt with him and the memories we created together, so instead I kept on retrieving something which happened once, and it only deepened my wounds and strained my brain. But just because I don’t think about something, it won’t necessarily mean that I will forget about it, especially if it was good in nature.

You will still remember the first date, when you ended up being 20 cents short after you insisted on buying lunch for the both of you, and the song which played in his car on your way back to university. Or on the second date, when you shared wine but ended up being  tipsy to the point that you doubted your age for a moment. You will still recall the nicknames you made up for each other, the stupid things which still make you smile upon remembering them. You could still remember the moment he said you’re beautiful; the time and place you told him how much you were grateful for him. It tastes sweet, because you know how confident and calm and happy all of this made you feel. But this will taste bitter when such a recollection is being retrieved over and over again, and that’s when you will start losing. 

You will lose when you over analyse every futile reason why he doesn’t talk to you anymore; when you dwell over the possible mistakes you’ve made when things were “okay”. You will lose when you force yourself to win back everything to the way it once was. You lose when you begin to expect that things will turn back to normal. You will lose when you continue thinking about anything related to the whole experience in the first place – NOTHING is in your control: that is how Life chooses to work: it constantly changes over time, and so do our needs and the people we meet everyday – and I will never understand this process. I can try an attempt to closely analyse every possible trace of such a situation, but I won’t fully grasp the what and why of such things. The only option I could choose is acceptance!

I can accept the good memories and feelings of such an experience and use them not only to feel better about who I am and love myself, but to feel grateful for getting the chance to experience such moments with someone who treated me well, even though paths have diverged. In addition to that, there’s nothing more that I can do than accept the circumstances the way they are. I acknowledge that significant things have been lost along the way, but I should also be aware of the new doors which are opening up to create new memories and meet new people. And although I have no control, nor idea of what’s about to come in the following year, at least my thoughts are one thing I can keep control of!

So I will store such a experience in a shoe box and put it on a shelf together with others that have made me a better human being. And if I stumble across this when I’m older, buried in dust with faded details –  it will make me smile, because I will still remember how precious this was to me!


7 – 2016 [a nutshell… almost]

It’s here again: that time of year where as usual, the mind of yours truly enters a phase of reminiscing and finds a way to join all the dots between every single event which happened throughout 2016 – even if such connections aren’t meant to be there 😀 Because let’s face it: there’s nothing like being a naive girl who loves to wander off into the abyss of what was to recollect every memory that was created throughout a long yet ever-changing period of time. But guess what: that girl is me *insert sarcastic shocking face* (although I do hope I became a bit less naive than I was at the beginning of the year ><).

For the last few years or so, life has been an emotional roller coaster ride, which at times – if not most of the time – was a bit too overwhelming for me to handle. However, unlike previous years, 2016 didn’t go to plan as my 2015 self ingenuously envisioned it to be . In fact, most of the things I set out to do this year didn’t go as I planned, or  didn’t happen at all! This is strange to say the least: because people tell you to draw a mind map of what you want to be, what goals you want to achieve, where would you rather see yourself a year (or twenty) from now. And because of this apparent must, I tend to fall into the overthinking trap of anxiously guessing what will happen in the coming months or where will I end up being in the next decade, as though I’m some sort of fortune teller – and I failed miserably. Not only did I engulf my brain with self sabotaging thoughts and useless worry, I realised that the greatest moments in my life during 2016 weren’t even thought of in the first place – they just happened unexpectedly, in an organic manner. And for a girl who constantly wrecks herself in doubting what the future has in store for her, this is such a relieving reminder that I shouldn’t live in my head obsessing over what might happen if I do something: I should go out there and (like Shia LaBeouf says) just do it, if that’s what I truly want to do – in that moment: because I also need to remember that goals and desires, whilst at times being an important motivator in stressful situations, are never fixed. I can change my mind over what I want to eat for lunch within five minutes – so there’s a high probability that my mind map of where I want to be in a year from now will perhaps undergo some few (or a lot) of revisions along the way 😛 

2016 was a turning point on so many levels.  It was a year in which I’ve experienced every single human emotion possible to the maximum. That’s because it was a year of many firsts for me.

I can now say that I dressed up as Ursula for a Carnival weekender, and that I ended up in a bitch fight even though I usually avoid drama. I auditioned for a main role on two occasions but didn’t get the part. I became drunk with 3 glasses of white wine in front of my crush. I anxiously and abruptly confessed my feelings to that crush, not anticipating that I would end up falling for a completely different human being who also happened to see me get drunk with 3 glasses of white wine. I felt calm for the first time in a very long while. I wasn’t overthinking it too much. I ended up experiencing the most serene yet intoxicating infatuation during a stressful period of exams . I allowed myself to open up to someone: to feel beautiful, fearless, and confident. I shared; I laughed; I kissed. In a span of two weeks I ended up travelling on my own for the first time to Belgium. I managed to get lost by turning the wrong way whilst trying to get to a foreign town. I became friends with people from across Europe, a few of whom I still talk to today. I made children smile, drank good cherry beer and took Speculoos home with me. I came back to Malta only to get heartbroken. I wrote about it. I cried, I got worried, I became scared, I was hurt. I became bitter, hopeless and negative in a split second. I began healing but I still thought I had to put a person who hurt me on a pedestal because of the good they had given me. I thought people are who they appear to be. I learnt that such people aren’t who they appear to be. I got angry, I lost hope, I cried again. I whined and nagged about all things which appeared horrible. I felt ugly, useless and helpless. I felt alone. I took part in my first acting production and got to work with and share a stage with talented women I look up to dearly. I began healing again, and I moved on. I created this blog to express myself. I slowly began to trust God again. I became closer to friends, I drifted apart from others. I met new people and I’m getting to know them better. I learned not to feel guilty for cutting negative people out of my life. I spoke and wrote my mind out more often. I doubted myself and my abilities. I cried again, I worried again. I prayed more. I relapsed into grieving for irrelevant people. I got to speak to influential people. I danced and sang my heart out at gigs and at clubs. I ate good food. I saw great theatre shows and films. I got inspired. I shared again, I laughed again, I smiled again. I started to feel better about myself.

Certainly, there are other things which I haven’t mentioned that happened over the past year. It was not easy, life is still not easy. I still struggle with my mind to stop worrying about unsolvable hypothetical problems. I still can be pessimistic. But I am grateful for every single moment within 2016, and I still wrap my mind around such moments. I am fortunate to have a family which supports me, friends who stuck by my side even when they’ve seen me in my worst, when I least deserved it. I still keep dear the memories I shared with people I’m no longer close to nor talk to as much. I am thankful for this blog, for having the ability not to refrain to share what I truly think and feel and I owe it to those who have influenced me enough to write about such experiences. I am thankful to God for always being a shoulder to lean on, even when I didn’t deserve His mercy. I am grateful to 2016 for being another fruitful lesson.

I don’t know what 2017 has up its sleeves for me, but I’m happy to say I’m a little more hopeful and a little less worried to what’s coming up next! When the clock strikes midnight and dives into a new year, I will not become a new me, but I hope it will be the continuation of becoming a better me 🙂 Bring on 2017 ^.^


6 – Let it Be [a pep talk – not a spin off on The Beatles’ song]

hey Mer,

this might seem odd and cheesy to write a post to yourself on your own blog, but i felt that you needed this: with university work piling up as your motivation to do such work is decreasing, together with yourself allowing a billion doubts racing through the neurons of your brain about probably every single aspect in your life – about what was and what might be – and then becoming obsessed as to whether such thoughts are rational or irrational, so you end up overthinking about such a conflict which might not be real after all – and the vicious cycle continues even after your brain declines in trying to understand what you really want after all and you give up trying to figure out what is going on.

it’s ironic, because ’tis the season to be jolly: yet you’re ending up worrying about futile things which you cannot do much about right now, which in turn are making you feel overwhelmed to the point that you end up stuck – which makes feel you grumpy and pessimistic about everything which appears to be wrong in your life! yes, i know it becomes tiring to get through such obstacles during the day because they make you feel overwhelmed, but then again who doesn’t have such obstacles? EVERYONE: from the people you’re closest to, to those who might have drifted apart from you, are struggling with something – and although that thing might be different to yours, it doesn’t make their struggling any less valid. you’re right, you might be alone going through such a situation, but you’re definitely not alone trying to get through life. 

all i ask you to do is to let it be: to try not to over-analyse or believe every single thought passing through your mind but instead focusing on doing what’s most important for YOU right now. do the things which you know you love and which may turn your negative vibes into positive ones. prioritise your work on your assignments and study hard instead of wasting time feeding your doubts (i know you’ll regret leaving everything to the last minute). be grateful for every opportunity you have coming your way. Be thankful for every person who has stuck by you in your lowest, when you nag and whine about life. don’t let any negative and petty thing overshadow the small BUT good things you have in your life. acknowledge the tiny successes you have, but don’t boast about them. acknowledge the mistakes you do, but don’t dwell on them so much to the point that you remain stuck and end up doing nothing about them. acknowledge every feeling you might feel when a situation crops up, but don’t let those emotions make you bitter. finally, pray as much as you can – God will get you through this, i know deep down that he’s got something great for you (remember Psalm 46:10)!

despite the life fails you do, you are a beautiful and a strong girl Mer – and i know you can get through this all 🙂 now stop procrastinating and go do your assignments! 

hang in there – you got this 🙂 
much love,

Marilyn xxxx


 

2 – The First to Fall [a short story]

It started with an instant risk: you being the first to fall. At first, I didn’t even realise you were doing so because it was a turbulent sky in a dark May and so was my heart, in its normality failing to navigate through the confused labyrinth of thoughts my brain failed to control. But noticing you fall startled me – it didn’t freak me out nor scare me, but it did feed my curiosity. Although I did not know where we would end up, I still wanted to join you. So I closed my eyes and leapt into your atmosphere. I squeezed your hand as we descended through June, through the forces of exam stress, work load and last-minute studying coming our way – yet somehow, we didn’t let each other blur out of sight.

We spent our time making up inside jokes that strangers would never get, and we bonded over common joys, bad puns and food – doing spontaneous and unusual things which felt so right. However, the most surprising part of it all was that free-falling felt different to what my physics teachers taught me at school, because nothing – not even one sabotaging thought – was acting upon me. So we shared; we laughed; we held each other; we kissed, not allowing an ounce of gravity seep into the ambience we moulded together. Being someone who experiences constant adrenaline rushes, free-falling with you was the epitome of serenity! It wasn’t an intense roller-coaster ride, nor was it a perfect dream, but I did not faint from anxiety. Instead I floated from cloud one to cloud nine in awe of you, and for the first time I felt safe within danger – I felt calm within mayhem.

July came in a flash and even though we had to be apart for a while, I kept in touch with you amidst the distance. For the next 19 days, I was prepared to send paragraphs to you through satellite connections across approximately 1151 miles. And in doing so, I suddenly flew up above the stratosphere thinking of you. I sketched blueprints of what life could be with you, petrified that my feelings for you were shifting but still craving to see you again and dive into the ocean with you in hopes to sink into the beauty of your underworld. Finally the time had come to latch on to you again – but you were unresponsive. I found out that you invited gravity to part our ways. You were the first to land on the ground, and seeing your feelings drift away, I lost my balance.

A few hours later I woke up to the sound of reality, finding myself below a rocky landslide. There was no one around but my own bruised heart questioning what went wrong with us. Why did such an adventure together end so soon? Why did I draw too many constellations of hope for us every night before tucking myself to sleep? Why did you leave, when you were the first person I refused myself to hold back from? When you were the one to see beyond my frizzy hair tooth-crooked goofy self and call me beautiful, the first to finally succeed in making a very neurotic me feel calm in spite of the chaos I thought I had stirring up in my life!  Why did you decide to land first, when you the first to fall – for me?!

I’d be lying if I said that none of this mattered to me. I’d also be lying if I stated it was the easiest thing to let go of what we had because it surely wasn’t:  it still isn’t – it still matters to me! However, in the presence of tears and anger and hopelessness, I can’t stop being grateful for you! Being mad at you or bitter for your decisions is futile, for what you’ve left me with is more precious and life changing than words could describe. The time we spent together is now a reminder that sharing is beautiful and something which one should never be afraid of. I use the care you gave me to love myself more and spread the wings I didn’t know I have. I’m still weary to take flight but when I do, I’ll soar higher than any other eagle and break through every rainfall, every hailstorm and every hurricane coming my way.

Every now and then I think about the last time I held you: my head being cradled in your chest, your heart making music to my ears, the same moment a rush of glee inhaled my lungs and painted a smile on my face. Do know that it was your beating heart which helped me breathe again after years on end feeling suffocated in my cynical worry. Furthermore, you are still wrapped up in my thoughts, even after having to lose all that you meant to me. It’s because you are the first boy I allowed myself to truly fall for, and you’ve pushed me to rise into someone I never thought I’d be.

A girl who had been locked up in my dreams since forever is now living freely since you’ve bailed her out of that wishful prison cell. And yes, she sometimes still struggles not to listen to the thoughts echoing disruption in the walls of her mind, but she now peeks out as I glance at my own reflection, her eyes gleaming faithfully for what the future has up its sleeves for me. She is now learning how to move forward without letting all of this weigh on her shoulders, so instead she uses it as a pedestal to stand taller, to show everyone her strength and beauty!

I had no idea that such an instant risk could unfold itself into a bitter-sweet melody, but it doesn’t make it any less worthwhile to listen to. This has been the first one I’ve composed, and you couldn’t have been a better person to create this beautiful short lived harmony with. You were the boon I had been anticipating my whole life – thank you for finally coming true!