Wrote a poem during my University finals and thought I’d share it. Hopefully I will write more posts amidst life’s shenanigans, but this is something to break the blog’s hiatus along the previous months. Happy reading xx
I am an open book
Word by word,
I will write my way through honesty to your eyes.
You would only want to catch a glimpse of me
But I already restrain myself too much
I hear my chest crack from holding all this truth inside me.
I will show you how I fluctuate from evoking gratitude to intense despair
illustrate to perfect detail my feelings for you and display them on a portrait to share
My naked soul I will bare
at the expense of your friends’ ridicule
at the loss of your friendship.
But I still am an open book.
and word by word,
I will continue to write my way through honesty to your eyes
– I know you despise it.
You now cannot withstand another glimpse of me.
But I still mutter about how your ghost still seeks to find their way back to me in my sleep – and I still have conversations with him
even when knowing how the little we shared meant nothing to you
even when I have accepted that you sought to find yourself in someone else’s arms.
But I will still write about how after all this time I let you navigate your way through my mind even upon leaving traces of gasoline in my heart
how seeing a fraction of your existence in the shadow of others bursts my body into flames if nobody warns me to clean the gasoline
how cutting ties from you felt like amputating a useless limb
I still call mine
how your name still succeeds in escaping my tongue
only to resurface my brain
how I wish to know what you truly think of me
– and I won’t apologise for disclosing this
Because I once was not an open book.
I was scared of reading my thoughts
I was petrified of facing my emotions,
but I have learnt to befriend these demons by time.
Like babies I breast fed them with unconditional love
so that they will grow and learn to take care of themselves.
They now nurture and cradle my heart
and tolerate the presence of every situation I go through
and when they feel overwhelmed I will sing them
soothing lullabies which they can forgive themselves to.
They can be seen in the corners of the pages I write
as doodled flowers stemming from thorns which once stifled me.
Those are the corners of my existence
and from those scars carved by those thorns I have dug myself out.
My heart is an anchor and I built a ship who has stood through multiple storms
when you saw this calm chaos you were frightened you’d sink, and left me stranded in an ocean of tears.
But I became the captain who looked up to the stars to find my way back to an open land
of new smiles, new joys and new things to worry about.
And through all of this I have learnt
that strength is not the ability to contain your deepest fears
but the ability to sit with them even when you are desperate to flee.
So, let the ridicule escalate – I will still invite you to skim through this open book,
– maybe one day you will learn how to acknowledge your own.