26 – The Open Book I Am

Wrote a poem during my University finals and thought I’d share it. Hopefully I will write more posts amidst life’s shenanigans, but this is something to break the blog’s hiatus along the previous months. Happy reading xx


I am an open book
Word by word,

I will write my way through honesty to your eyes.
You would only want to catch a glimpse of me
But I already restrain myself too much
I hear my chest crack from holding all this truth inside me.
I will show you how I fluctuate from evoking gratitude to intense despair
illustrate to perfect detail my feelings for you and display them on a portrait to share
My naked soul I will bare
at the expense of your friends’ ridicule
at the loss of your friendship.

But I still am an open book.
and word by word,
I will continue to write my way through honesty to your eyes
– I know you despise it.
You now cannot withstand another glimpse of me.
But I still mutter about how your ghost still seeks to find their way back to me in my sleep – and I still have conversations with him
even when knowing how the little we shared meant nothing to you
even when I have accepted that you sought to find yourself in someone else’s arms.
But I will still write about how after all this time I let you navigate your way through my mind even upon leaving traces of gasoline in my heart
how seeing a fraction of your existence in the shadow of others bursts my body into flames if nobody warns me to clean the gasoline
how cutting ties from you felt like amputating a useless limb
I still call mine
how your name still succeeds in escaping my tongue
only to resurface my brain
how I wish to know what you truly think of me
– and I won’t apologise for disclosing this

Because I once was not an open book.
I was scared of reading my thoughts
I was petrified of facing my emotions,
but I have learnt to befriend these demons by time.
Like babies I breast fed them with unconditional love
so that they will grow and learn to take care of themselves.
They now nurture and cradle my heart
and tolerate the presence of every situation I go through
and when they feel overwhelmed I will sing them
soothing lullabies which they can forgive themselves to.
They can be seen in the corners of the pages I write
as doodled flowers stemming from thorns which once stifled me.
Those are the corners of my existence
and from those scars carved by those thorns I have dug myself out.

My heart is an anchor and I built a ship who has stood through multiple storms
when you saw this calm chaos you were frightened you’d sink, and left me stranded in an ocean of tears.
But I became the captain who looked up to the stars to find my way back to an open land
of new smiles, new joys and new things to worry about.
And through all of this I have learnt
that strength is not the ability to contain your deepest fears 

but the ability to sit with them even when you are desperate to flee.
So, let the ridicule escalate – I will still invite you to skim through this open book,
– maybe one day you will learn how to acknowledge your own.


 

16 – A lot has been going on [Let’s Be Honest]

 Again, I haven’t written in a while and I was going to apologise for it, but instead I’m just going to tell you that a lot has been going on lately. 

     No, it’s not the Final Year at University started and I have so much other things happening whilst trying to start writing my thesis excuse – which to be fair can be applicable to my life because I haven’t started writing my thesis *YAY*. Muddled with that is a sense of hopelessness I’ve been feeling for a very long while: it feels as though nothing great is happening in my life; that everything (including myself) is falling apart; that I’m not able to finish and successfully complete my studies; that the road is so bleak that I’m almost certain I’m going to be doing something I don’t like – and the list goes on. 

     I think the most frustrating part about all of this is not that I feel this way, even though it’s not a wonderful experience feeling like this. The most difficult part of it all underneath this dirt pile of emotions is the knowledge that life isn’t this way: I know that everything will fall in to place; I am going to recover from heartbreak and will love myself because I am worthy of such things. But it’s like I’m constantly wearing glasses with small and black lenses: seeing things through a negative and narrow perspective: and it’s taking a toll on my mental health, my passions and hobbies, and also my relationship with people and with God. 

     At this point of the blog, I usually write about what I can do in such situations, but instead I am going to share some photos I found myself, and others which friends sent me to help me feel better. And after compiling them, I should prioritise reading them more often and taking them seriously.

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     I don’t know what is going to happen in a year’s time, but I know that life isn’t all that bad: it’s just taking time to forgive myself, believe in myself and adjust to a better pair of glasses.

     Here’s to myself getting through these circumstances, and here’s to you getting through life: whoever you are, whatever you’re going through! I hope you can find the above pictures helpful.

     And it’s back to reality to start writing my thesis. Happy reading.

Mer. xx