28 – of guilt, forgiveness and faith

I feel it’s right to say that my mind hasn’t been feeling well lately.

Summer has practically been a matter of my mind succumbing to irrational thoughts, constant obsessions, false judgements about my friends, comparison to my friends, overthinking, self -sabotaging and feeding my heart worthlessness. It reached its breaking point last week but I am somehow getting back up.

I am very fortunate to have people who are sticking by my side even after attempting to push away those closest to me . But I have realised that I have been missing out on opportunities, and it’s not because I wouldn’t want to take the chance. It’s just that I let my mind be engulfed by chaos which 90% of it is created by the mind itself AND therefore does not exist. And noticing this along the past week has made me feel overwhelmingly guilty, as I knew they were opportunities which I didn’t need to be afraid of taking. I have also become aware that the list of opportunities I can take is abundant, but I still have to pick which ones suit me best, and this doesn’t make my overthinking any better.

I’d like to believe in destiny: that everything happens for a reason and that our decisions reflect the path we are meant to be in. And even if those decisions are not the right one, they will lead me through a different route to where I’m meant to be. They will still somehow serve me well in the long run.

And to my present self who isn’t feeling in the right state of mind:
Don’t be hard on yourself for missing out on life because you didn’t take opportunities when you were obsessing over other things. Forgive yourself and use that energy to learn from your mistakes and learn to embrace the moment. Acknowledge your feelings. Please know you are still doing great things and they will get better and become clearer. I know you’re having trouble with trust but trust your gut and trust God. You are worth it to stick around! And your friends do love you!


19 – Dealing with “You are not Beautiful” [True Story]

It’s not often – at least for me – that strangers appear as a message request in my Messenger inbox. It’s even rarer that someone would send me this: 

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Above is an actual screenshot of what happened yesterday (excuse the poor editing skills): a person I didn’t know existed until this moment, absurdly deciding to “connect” with me just so they could try to offend me. It probably could be spam – and I hope it is – but if it’s so, I still can’t wrap my head around why instant trolls like this still exist. 

To say this didn’t affect me would unfortunately be a lie. Even though I rationally find it false and hence I outwardly brush it off with laughter, a low but persistent sting remains in my heart. And no, it isn’t enough for me to cry over, but it is a painful but important reminder that I still find it hard to reject such messages, even when there are more concrete things like friends which disprove this lie. 

I was actually considering accepting the request just to reply to him back with some comeback, but eventually decided not to. One friend told me to pray for him instead: and it kept me thinking about what I would have actually sent him. And here is what I would have sent him. 

Dear whoever you are

I know it’s probably useless sending this to you, but I wanted to tell you that I disagree with you. Even though I fall into that trap of believing so because of how I appear, I have tangible sources which disprove this: my successes, my mind, my heart, and my close friends who choose to think otherwise when I don’t feel at best. But the most tangible source is the fact that I’m created in God’s image, who reminds me that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139: 14). I hope you get to experience such wonderful things too! 

Here’s to us believing that we are more worthy than what dishonest sources might tell us. Happy reading xx