20 – 2017 [I made it]

I am writing this on a underground tube in London – or more likely, somewhere I definitely didn’t envision myself to be a year ago while standing next to a skate-park waiting for my friend to go to a house party for new year celebrations.

To say 2017 was the best year so far would be a lie. But I’m thankful for it nevertheless. I am thankful for the emotional pain it brought about as it challenged me to grow. I am thankful for getting through heartbreak and finally moving on to focusing on myself, even though I haven’t fully figured out how that works out. I am thankful for the opportunities that gave me the chance to express myself creatively, and for rediscovering old passions and exploring new ones. I am thankful for finally letting go of toxic people I found hard to lose a year ago, as it allowed me to let new and better people in. I am thankful for friends (old and new) and family who stuck by my side throughout and who still do. I am thankful for those who believed in me. I am thankful for the health myself and the people closest to me have. I am thankful for this blog for reaching 20 blog posts today when I thought it wouldn’t last, and for somehow touching and inspiring people despite the mishaps it faced. I am thankful for the places I’ve been to, the gigs and plays I’ve seen (and the first musical I witnessed just yesterday because it was magical) and the music I’ve got to listen. I am thankful to God for all of this, even though I have no idea what He has in store for what’s next to come.

I know 2018 is going to be a tough one and it will challenge me in ways I can’t begin to imagine. But I consider 18 to be my lucky number so who knows – maybe a tiny bit of luck will be on my side ūü§ěūü§ě

Here’s to health, to more growth, to more appreciation of life, to more faith, to less worrying and more action, to more art witnessing and creating, and to a lot of pain-aching making me want to swear kind of hard work which will hopefully reap into success by thousands. And obviously, to figuring out more ways of trying to adult my way through life ūüėČ

Bring on 2018!


11 – I’m Getting (b)Older [a look back at being 19]

Before Reading On:
This post is¬†a tiny bit longer than the usual – don’t say I didn’t warn you ūüėõ¬†


¬† ¬† ¬†In less than a week,¬†I’ll be celebrating my birthday *blows party poppers everywhere such fun much party wooooo* BUT this year, it won’t only mean that I’ll be getting a year older. It also means that I will bidding farewell to the “teen” years once and for all, and welcome with open arms the beginning of a third decade –¬†I’M TURNING TWENTY!!!!! (Okay – maybe I don’t need to make such a big deal out of this ><)

¬† ¬†¬†I’ve always felt the apparent inconsistency between how old I feel and the actual time I spent on earth since I escaped from my mother’s womb (i.e. my actual age in simpler English¬†ūüėõ¬†). ¬†And although I’m expecting to be the same scenario this year, I simultaneously also feel that this birthday will be different from the usual [ NOT because I’m going to miss writing teen¬†after a single digit, and NEITHER because it shall be the first time I’ll be celebrating it away from home].¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†Throughout the past few weeks, I reflected upon how I started my 19th year of living on this earth. I still remember how I felt (which pretty much was how I felt for the majority of my ‚Äúteenager‚ÄĚ life) – like an emotional wreck of irrational thoughts, helplessness and self-sabotage. Even though I had been getting help to control my anxiety, I started my 19th year feeling as though there was no way to get out from rock bottom. And less than 365 days later (and to my surprise), I don’t feel that way anymore!¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†Without denying the growth I made from one previous birthday to another, the past year was the most pivotal year for me. Even though the majority of it surrounded¬†one particular yet impacting event, such beautiful and bitter experiences have changed me into someone I never thought I’d see myself become a year ago. Some events have brought out the uglier side to me, but that in itself challenged me and brought me out of my comfort zone to a whole other level: they made me grow a tougher skin; I was forced to realise my mistakes and my negative thinking styles even more; I got to recognise who the right people in my life are. Other experiences revolved around new opportunities, many firsts and the chance to express myself more – particularly through writing. And despite the amount of pain I felt getting through most of the year,¬†being 19¬†has moulded me into a calmer and more self-controlled girl who is able to look at herself in a better light than she used to a few years back. She‚Äôs become more assertive and more honest with herself and with the people around her. And Instead of waking up with a mind heavy laden with irrational thoughts, she is now able to start afresh every morning – something which I never thought I would be able to accomplish.¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†I should give credit to myself for allowing myself to be open to experience all of this, but I shouldn’t forget to acknowledge those who were a part of it in some way or another:

to my family
¬† ¬† ¬†Mum, Dad, my sisters – even though our family isn’t the typical one, I thank each and every one of you for being there for me in spite of the chaos we might have going on in our lives. From¬†giving me constant lifts from one place to another, to supporting me in what I do and for believing in me, to even putting up with my consistent mess: thank you for being a shoulder to cry on and for understanding me, and I apologise if I weren’t the same to you.

to my friends
¬†¬†¬†¬† You are a diverse and a large bunch: from the course-mates I get to see every day, to those I meet once every blue moon but still try my best to keep in touch – whichever category you fall in, I am grateful for every single one of you. I call myself lucky to know many people whom I know I can count on no matter what. I may have shown my ugly and being a pain in the butt side more than my best side throughout the past year, but in spite of this you put up with my nagging, whining and problems, and I couldn’t be any more grateful for you. Thank you for being such amazing and important people in my life, and I hope I get to be as half an amazing friend as you were with me: you know who you are!

to those who have hurt me and/or don’t talk to me anymore
¬† ¬† ¬†You’re a small group (thankfully), but you were the most influential group of people throughout the year. I share great memories with some of you:¬†a few of¬†which I wouldn’t trade them with anything else. I also know that your actions may have no¬†bad intention attached to them – which is why I still perceive you in good light. And even if you did such actions with bad intentions – I still thank you. You may have inflicted wounds in me, but through them you have inflicted in me a sense of growth: in strength, in knowledge about myself, and in the many lessons which followed the pain. I also acknowledge that your actions may have been a result of my wrong doings, and I apologise if that’s the case for it was never my intention to hurt your feelings.

to God
¬† ¬† ¬†Thank You for being my rock to fall on when everything seemed impossible. You’re the One who never gave up on me and that I can trust with my whole life. Your love and¬†mercy¬†is key in making me get through life, and I know I can’t get through this without You!¬†

to any one reading this
¬† ¬† ¬†I don’t know exactly how many people read my blog, but if you do fall under that category I thank you: even if it’s your first time today. Starting this page was only a means to get through what life was throwing at me, and now it has become a platform where I could use my writing to challenge opinions and relate to others who go through similar experiences. Such a blog would cease without you reading it in the first place, and I thank you for giving it a chance ūüôā ¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†I may not be the 20 year-old I envisioned myself to be when I was a child (i.e. being employed and licensed ><), but I have achieved so much more than I thought I would. For the first time in a long time, I can say I am happy with who I am and where I am, which doesn’t mean I’m constantly serene and joyous. Life still manages to make it hard for me to handle at times: I still make mistakes, I still tend to be hard on myself, and I still say stupid things and act stupidly. I’m still getting to know my likes and dislikes, my dreams and ambitions, and I still have many uncertainties about where my life is heading. Yet in the presence of all this chaos – I am coping, I am learning, I am living – and those are¬†the best gifts I could ever receive ūüôā

¬† ¬† There are some people who perceive turning twenty as getting older, and even though it’s true and sounds scary, I feel as though life is only beginning for me, and I look forward to see what it has in store for me!¬†To more years of failing, learning and living through life – and¬†a genuine happy birthday to me ^.^


 

7 – 2016 [a nutshell… almost]

It’s here again: that time of year where as¬†usual, the mind of yours truly enters a phase of reminiscing¬†and finds a way to join all the dots between every single event which happened throughout 2016 – even if such connections aren’t meant to be there ūüėÄ Because let’s face it: there’s nothing like¬†being a naive girl who loves to wander off into the abyss of what was to recollect every memory that was created throughout a long yet ever-changing period of time.¬†But guess what: that girl is me *insert sarcastic shocking face* (although I do hope I became a bit less naive than I was at the beginning of the year ><).

For¬†the last few years or so, life has been an emotional roller coaster ride, which at times – if not most of the time – was a bit too overwhelming for me to handle. However, unlike previous years, 2016 didn’t go to plan as my 2015 self ingenuously envisioned it to be . In fact, most of the things I set out to do this year didn’t go as I planned, or ¬†didn’t happen at all!¬†This is strange to say the least: because people tell you to draw a mind map of what you want to be, what goals you want to achieve, where would you rather see yourself a year (or twenty) from now. And because of this apparent must, I tend to fall into the overthinking trap of anxiously guessing what will happen in the coming months or where will I end up being in the next decade, as though I’m some sort of fortune teller – and I failed miserably. Not only did I engulf¬†my brain with self sabotaging thoughts and useless worry, I realised that the greatest moments¬†in my life during 2016 weren’t even thought of in the first place – they just happened unexpectedly, in an organic manner. And for a girl who constantly wrecks herself in doubting¬†what the future has in store for her, this is such a relieving reminder that I shouldn’t live in my head obsessing over what might happen if I do something: I should go out there and (like Shia LaBeouf¬†says) just do it, if that’s what I truly want¬†to do – in that moment: because I¬†also need to remember¬†that goals and desires, whilst at times being an important motivator in stressful situations, are never fixed. I can change my mind over what I want to eat for lunch within five minutes – so there’s a high probability that my mind map of where I want to be in a year from now will perhaps undergo some few (or a lot) of revisions along the way ūüėõ¬†

2016 was a turning point on so many levels. ¬†It was a year in which I’ve experienced every single human emotion possible to the maximum. That’s because it was a year of many firsts for me.

I can now say that I dressed up as Ursula for a Carnival weekender, and that I ended up in a bitch fight even though I usually avoid drama. I auditioned for a main role on two occasions but didn’t get the part. I became drunk with 3 glasses of white wine in front of my crush. I anxiously and abruptly confessed my feelings to that crush,¬†not anticipating that I would end up falling for a completely different human being who also happened to see me get drunk with 3 glasses of white wine.¬†I felt calm for the first time in a very long while. I wasn’t overthinking it too much. I ended up experiencing the most serene yet intoxicating infatuation during a stressful period of exams¬†. I allowed myself to open up to someone: to feel beautiful, fearless, and confident. I shared; I laughed; I kissed. In a span of two weeks I ended up travelling on my own for the first time to Belgium. I managed to get lost by turning the wrong way whilst trying to get to a foreign town. I became friends with people from across Europe, a few of whom I still talk to today. I made children smile, drank good cherry beer and took Speculoos home with me. I came back to Malta only to get¬†heartbroken. I wrote about it.¬†I cried, I got worried, I became scared, I was hurt.¬†I became bitter, hopeless and negative in a split second. I began healing but I still thought I had to put a person who hurt me on a pedestal because of the good they had given me. I thought people are who they appear to be. I learnt that such people aren’t who they appear to be. I got angry, I lost hope, I cried again. I whined and nagged about¬†all things which appeared horrible. I felt ugly, useless and helpless. I felt alone. I took part in my first acting¬†production¬†and got to work with and share a stage with talented women I look up to dearly. I began healing again, and I moved on. I created this blog to express myself. I slowly began to trust God again. I became closer to friends, I drifted apart from others. I met new people and I’m getting to know them better. I learned not to feel guilty for cutting negative people out of my life. I spoke and wrote my mind out more often. I doubted myself and my abilities. I cried again, I worried again. I prayed more. I relapsed into grieving for irrelevant people. I got to speak to influential people. I danced and sang my heart out at gigs and at clubs. I ate good food. I saw great theatre shows and films. I got inspired. I shared again, I laughed again, I smiled again. I started to feel better about myself.

Certainly, there are other things which I haven’t mentioned that happened over the past year. It was not easy, life is still not easy. I still struggle with my mind to stop worrying about unsolvable hypothetical problems. I still can be pessimistic. But I am grateful for every single moment within 2016, and I still wrap my mind around such moments. I am fortunate to have a family which supports me, friends who stuck by my side even when they’ve seen me in my worst, when I least deserved it. I still keep dear the memories I shared with people I’m no longer close to nor talk to as much. I am thankful for this blog, for having the ability not to refrain¬†to¬†share what I truly think and feel¬†and I owe it to those who have influenced me enough to write about such experiences.¬†I am thankful to God for always being a shoulder to lean on, even when I didn’t deserve His mercy. I am grateful to 2016 for being another fruitful lesson.

I don’t know what 2017 has up its sleeves for me, but I’m happy to say I’m a little more hopeful and a little less worried to what’s coming up next! When the clock strikes midnight and dives into a new year, I will not become a new me, but I hope it will be the continuation of becoming a better me ūüôā¬†Bring on 2017¬†^.^