11 – I’m Getting (b)Older [a look back at being 19]

Before Reading On:
This post is¬†a tiny bit longer than the usual – don’t say I didn’t warn you ūüėõ¬†


¬† ¬† ¬†In less than a week,¬†I’ll be celebrating my birthday *blows party poppers everywhere such fun much party wooooo* BUT this year, it won’t only mean that I’ll be getting a year older. It also means that I will bidding farewell to the “teen” years once and for all, and welcome with open arms the beginning of a third decade –¬†I’M TURNING TWENTY!!!!! (Okay – maybe I don’t need to make such a big deal out of this ><)

¬† ¬†¬†I’ve always felt the apparent inconsistency between how old I feel and the actual time I spent on earth since I escaped from my mother’s womb (i.e. my actual age in simpler English¬†ūüėõ¬†). ¬†And although I’m expecting to be the same scenario this year, I simultaneously also feel that this birthday will be different from the usual [ NOT because I’m going to miss writing teen¬†after a single digit, and NEITHER because it shall be the first time I’ll be celebrating it away from home].¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†Throughout the past few weeks, I reflected upon how I started my 19th year of living on this earth. I still remember how I felt (which pretty much was how I felt for the majority of my ‚Äúteenager‚ÄĚ life) – like an emotional wreck of irrational thoughts, helplessness and self-sabotage. Even though I had been getting help to control my anxiety, I started my 19th year feeling as though there was no way to get out from rock bottom. And less than 365 days later (and to my surprise), I don’t feel that way anymore!¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†Without denying the growth I made from one previous birthday to another, the past year was the most pivotal year for me. Even though the majority of it surrounded¬†one particular yet impacting event, such beautiful and bitter experiences have changed me into someone I never thought I’d see myself become a year ago. Some events have brought out the uglier side to me, but that in itself challenged me and brought me out of my comfort zone to a whole other level: they made me grow a tougher skin; I was forced to realise my mistakes and my negative thinking styles even more; I got to recognise who the right people in my life are. Other experiences revolved around new opportunities, many firsts and the chance to express myself more – particularly through writing. And despite the amount of pain I felt getting through most of the year,¬†being 19¬†has moulded me into a calmer and more self-controlled girl who is able to look at herself in a better light than she used to a few years back. She‚Äôs become more assertive and more honest with herself and with the people around her. And Instead of waking up with a mind heavy laden with irrational thoughts, she is now able to start afresh every morning – something which I never thought I would be able to accomplish.¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†I should give credit to myself for allowing myself to be open to experience all of this, but I shouldn’t forget to acknowledge those who were a part of it in some way or another:

to my family
¬† ¬† ¬†Mum, Dad, my sisters – even though our family isn’t the typical one, I thank each and every one of you for being there for me in spite of the chaos we might have going on in our lives. From¬†giving me constant lifts from one place to another, to supporting me in what I do and for believing in me, to even putting up with my consistent mess: thank you for being a shoulder to cry on and for understanding me, and I apologise if I weren’t the same to you.

to my friends
¬†¬†¬†¬† You are a diverse and a large bunch: from the course-mates I get to see every day, to those I meet once every blue moon but still try my best to keep in touch – whichever category you fall in, I am grateful for every single one of you. I call myself lucky to know many people whom I know I can count on no matter what. I may have shown my ugly and being a pain in the butt side more than my best side throughout the past year, but in spite of this you put up with my nagging, whining and problems, and I couldn’t be any more grateful for you. Thank you for being such amazing and important people in my life, and I hope I get to be as half an amazing friend as you were with me: you know who you are!

to those who have hurt me and/or don’t talk to me anymore
¬† ¬† ¬†You’re a small group (thankfully), but you were the most influential group of people throughout the year. I share great memories with some of you:¬†a few of¬†which I wouldn’t trade them with anything else. I also know that your actions may have no¬†bad intention attached to them – which is why I still perceive you in good light. And even if you did such actions with bad intentions – I still thank you. You may have inflicted wounds in me, but through them you have inflicted in me a sense of growth: in strength, in knowledge about myself, and in the many lessons which followed the pain. I also acknowledge that your actions may have been a result of my wrong doings, and I apologise if that’s the case for it was never my intention to hurt your feelings.

to God
¬† ¬† ¬†Thank You for being my rock to fall on when everything seemed impossible. You’re the One who never gave up on me and that I can trust with my whole life. Your love and¬†mercy¬†is key in making me get through life, and I know I can’t get through this without You!¬†

to any one reading this
¬† ¬† ¬†I don’t know exactly how many people read my blog, but if you do fall under that category I thank you: even if it’s your first time today. Starting this page was only a means to get through what life was throwing at me, and now it has become a platform where I could use my writing to challenge opinions and relate to others who go through similar experiences. Such a blog would cease without you reading it in the first place, and I thank you for giving it a chance ūüôā ¬†

¬† ¬† ¬†I may not be the 20 year-old I envisioned myself to be when I was a child (i.e. being employed and licensed ><), but I have achieved so much more than I thought I would. For the first time in a long time, I can say I am happy with who I am and where I am, which doesn’t mean I’m constantly serene and joyous. Life still manages to make it hard for me to handle at times: I still make mistakes, I still tend to be hard on myself, and I still say stupid things and act stupidly. I’m still getting to know my likes and dislikes, my dreams and ambitions, and I still have many uncertainties about where my life is heading. Yet in the presence of all this chaos – I am coping, I am learning, I am living – and those are¬†the best gifts I could ever receive ūüôā

¬† ¬† There are some people who perceive turning twenty as getting older, and even though it’s true and sounds scary, I feel as though life is only beginning for me, and I look forward to see what it has in store for me!¬†To more years of failing, learning and living through life – and¬†a genuine happy birthday to me ^.^


 

7 – 2016 [a nutshell… almost]

It’s here again: that time of year where as¬†usual, the mind of yours truly enters a phase of reminiscing¬†and finds a way to join all the dots between every single event which happened throughout 2016 – even if such connections aren’t meant to be there ūüėÄ Because let’s face it: there’s nothing like¬†being a naive girl who loves to wander off into the abyss of what was to recollect every memory that was created throughout a long yet ever-changing period of time.¬†But guess what: that girl is me *insert sarcastic shocking face* (although I do hope I became a bit less naive than I was at the beginning of the year ><).

For¬†the last few years or so, life has been an emotional roller coaster ride, which at times – if not most of the time – was a bit too overwhelming for me to handle. However, unlike previous years, 2016 didn’t go to plan as my 2015 self ingenuously envisioned it to be . In fact, most of the things I set out to do this year didn’t go as I planned, or ¬†didn’t happen at all!¬†This is strange to say the least: because people tell you to draw a mind map of what you want to be, what goals you want to achieve, where would you rather see yourself a year (or twenty) from now. And because of this apparent must, I tend to fall into the overthinking trap of anxiously guessing what will happen in the coming months or where will I end up being in the next decade, as though I’m some sort of fortune teller – and I failed miserably. Not only did I engulf¬†my brain with self sabotaging thoughts and useless worry, I realised that the greatest moments¬†in my life during 2016 weren’t even thought of in the first place – they just happened unexpectedly, in an organic manner. And for a girl who constantly wrecks herself in doubting¬†what the future has in store for her, this is such a relieving reminder that I shouldn’t live in my head obsessing over what might happen if I do something: I should go out there and (like Shia LaBeouf¬†says) just do it, if that’s what I truly want¬†to do – in that moment: because I¬†also need to remember¬†that goals and desires, whilst at times being an important motivator in stressful situations, are never fixed. I can change my mind over what I want to eat for lunch within five minutes – so there’s a high probability that my mind map of where I want to be in a year from now will perhaps undergo some few (or a lot) of revisions along the way ūüėõ¬†

2016 was a turning point on so many levels. ¬†It was a year in which I’ve experienced every single human emotion possible to the maximum. That’s because it was a year of many firsts for me.

I can now say that I dressed up as Ursula for a Carnival weekender, and that I ended up in a bitch fight even though I usually avoid drama. I auditioned for a main role on two occasions but didn’t get the part. I became drunk with 3 glasses of white wine in front of my crush. I anxiously and abruptly confessed my feelings to that crush,¬†not anticipating that I would end up falling for a completely different human being who also happened to see me get drunk with 3 glasses of white wine.¬†I felt calm for the first time in a very long while. I wasn’t overthinking it too much. I ended up experiencing the most serene yet intoxicating infatuation during a stressful period of exams¬†. I allowed myself to open up to someone: to feel beautiful, fearless, and confident. I shared; I laughed; I kissed. In a span of two weeks I ended up travelling on my own for the first time to Belgium. I managed to get lost by turning the wrong way whilst trying to get to a foreign town. I became friends with people from across Europe, a few of whom I still talk to today. I made children smile, drank good cherry beer and took Speculoos home with me. I came back to Malta only to get¬†heartbroken. I wrote about it.¬†I cried, I got worried, I became scared, I was hurt.¬†I became bitter, hopeless and negative in a split second. I began healing but I still thought I had to put a person who hurt me on a pedestal because of the good they had given me. I thought people are who they appear to be. I learnt that such people aren’t who they appear to be. I got angry, I lost hope, I cried again. I whined and nagged about¬†all things which appeared horrible. I felt ugly, useless and helpless. I felt alone. I took part in my first acting¬†production¬†and got to work with and share a stage with talented women I look up to dearly. I began healing again, and I moved on. I created this blog to express myself. I slowly began to trust God again. I became closer to friends, I drifted apart from others. I met new people and I’m getting to know them better. I learned not to feel guilty for cutting negative people out of my life. I spoke and wrote my mind out more often. I doubted myself and my abilities. I cried again, I worried again. I prayed more. I relapsed into grieving for irrelevant people. I got to speak to influential people. I danced and sang my heart out at gigs and at clubs. I ate good food. I saw great theatre shows and films. I got inspired. I shared again, I laughed again, I smiled again. I started to feel better about myself.

Certainly, there are other things which I haven’t mentioned that happened over the past year. It was not easy, life is still not easy. I still struggle with my mind to stop worrying about unsolvable hypothetical problems. I still can be pessimistic. But I am grateful for every single moment within 2016, and I still wrap my mind around such moments. I am fortunate to have a family which supports me, friends who stuck by my side even when they’ve seen me in my worst, when I least deserved it. I still keep dear the memories I shared with people I’m no longer close to nor talk to as much. I am thankful for this blog, for having the ability not to refrain¬†to¬†share what I truly think and feel¬†and I owe it to those who have influenced me enough to write about such experiences.¬†I am thankful to God for always being a shoulder to lean on, even when I didn’t deserve His mercy. I am grateful to 2016 for being another fruitful lesson.

I don’t know what 2017 has up its sleeves for me, but I’m happy to say I’m a little more hopeful and a little less worried to what’s coming up next! When the clock strikes midnight and dives into a new year, I will not become a new me, but I hope it will be the continuation of becoming a better me ūüôā¬†Bring on 2017¬†^.^