Apologies for not writing in a long while: Summer has indeed been a hectic one >< but as it’s reaching its final moments, I am grateful for the things I’ve got to experience 🙂 in the Salesian community as a volunteer; with my friends who stuck by my side through thick and thin, and through so much more. Despite this good chaos, Summer has given me more time to face my problems, challenge myself and learn throughout the process – and I’ve been learning a thing or three about letting go: more specifically, letting go of people who were once significant in my life.
Letting go does have a ring to it: sounds like the most freeing activity to do for yourself. Although IT CAN be the case, it has possibly been the most emotionally taxing experience for me to go through. And yes, it has also involved numerous arguments with my brain not to think about those people, several battles with my heart to stop dwelling in negative and self-pity emotions and countless spontaneous bursts of crying.
It is no fun cutting ties from anyone you know for various reasons. It is less fun cutting ties permanently from someone you potentially saw yourself talking to for years to come. It’s tough (and emotionally excruciating) realising that people who have once meant so much to you are now people you used to know, and seeing them in public is a painful and personal reminder that they’re to be acknowledged as strangers at all times. Nope, it’s definitely no fun – but I’m realising that it’s best to focus on why you’re doing so, rather that focusing on whom you’re letting go.
The first lesson I’m learning is that it’s an opportunity to learn how to put myself first. I have a very bad habit of placing everyone else before me, and specifically put people who couldn’t give an eyelash about me on pedestals because they have influenced my life positively for a short while. But wasting my mental and emotional energy to keep people who clearly seem better off without me has been tiring, and I am realising I could transfer that energy I use chasing after them to self-care, and hopefully one day, I could love myself properly.
Another lesson I’m still accepting is that those people who are better off without me have the right to feel that way. It’s useless being angry because they were the first to cut ties from me. I wish I’d known why they do it in the first place, but it could ultimately be for good reasons, and no one is to judge them or their decisions. Thankfully, they are indirectly allowing space for actually significant people to enter your life, and they no longer have the permission to play around with your feelings. Also, if caring about them didn’t bring them back in the first place, then surely anger will only distance them further and will only make you feel bitter.
The final [and perhaps the hardest but most important thing] I am learning whilst letting go is that I’ve ultimately done nothing wrong. Most of the time, I do apologise whenever I realise I might have hurt someone through my own words or actions, but I’ve noticed that sometimes even after doing so, friendships and relationships aren’t meant to happen in the first place. And it’s not because I posses an innate disposition to desist people away from me; it’s not because I’ve done something wrong which forced them to cut ties from me; and it’s certainly not because I have something faulty with who I am. I still like to be known as the genuine, caring and loving girl, and I should no longer keep perceiving myself as the cause of such unfortunate endings.
Life throws situations at us which 90% percent of the time we cannot grasp what happened and why it did. I wish I had the answers to both questions, but wondering about them refrains us from living life with people who should matter to us. And to those whom I’m letting go of – I thank you for your influence in my life, and I wish nothing but happiness for you. But it’s now time to shift attention towards those who put the effort to stay in my life; and towards myself and my own needs. It’s about time I start loving myself wholeheartedly!