29 – a shout out to myself

     I am posting this more than two years after beginning this blog and on the morning of my first graduation. Some may think that being euphoric and proud for oneself is a given during graduation time, but it has been hard for me to do so. I rationally know my successes and why I should feel proud of myself, but I rarely allow myself to let those become a part of my soul. To make matters worse, the past two days have reopened deep wounds of painful childhood memories. Feeling broken is more of an accurate description. 

    So I’m going to write this post about me: a woman who has a strength that I can’t fully process. A woman who has a heart big enough to understand and empathise with people who hurt her. A woman who is willing to be there for people even when she was at her lowest. A woman who chooses honesty over being liked. A woman who’d rather cry than bottles things up. A woman who doesn’t let past family struggles define her. A woman who still carries those struggles because she is still figuring out which are hers. A woman who didn’t let those struggles take over her capacity to love. A woman who is talented, intelligent, brave, funny and resilient. A woman who confronts anxiety provoking situations even when she feels she is not able to. A woman who loves making children  happy and hopes that she gives them what she didn’t have in her childhood.  A woman who isn’t afraid to dance in public if she wants to. A woman who kept on living even when she felt hopeless and worthless. A woman who completed a Bachelor Degree in Psychology whilst carrying all of this in her soul. 

    A year ago I was oblivious and petrified of where I would end up. But I am working in a job I never imagined I’d find myself in – and I couldn’t be happier. And I’m taking driving lessons. And working with children is definitely one of my dreams. I am starting to figure things out. I am learning to take boundaries. 

     I know people have their own hardships which should be acknowledged. And this might appear as self-patronising. I don’t know everything of what is going to happen in the near future. Not all is sunshine. But this is how I acknowledge my own story, even if you reading this only know a little about. I  deserve to be proud about getting this far in life, not only on my graduation day. I am worth it. 

   Amidst the floods, the past three years at University have introduced me and helped me keep those people who understand me, support my dreams and love me for who I am. I am surrounded by strong,  genuine people, passionate about music, poetry, film and anything related to arts and science and God. You guys are my people and I love you. 

    And to you who has gotten through hardships and is graduating today – you are a badass. Or you who has gotten through hardships and still decided to get up this morning – you too are a badass. It takes strength to keep living, and you are proof of it. 

To feeling proud of myself for getting this far in life with a lot of baggage. And to realising that this adulting through life is something I can handle with the right support and mindset. 

     Give me my toga x 


       

 

 

15 – Letting Go [Let’s Talk About It]

     Apologies for not writing in a long while: Summer has indeed been a hectic one >< but as it’s reaching its final moments, I am grateful for the things I’ve got to experience 🙂 in the Salesian community as a volunteer; with my friends who stuck by my side through thick and thin, and through so much more. Despite this good chaos, Summer has given me more time to face my problems, challenge myself and learn throughout the process – and I’ve been learning a thing or three about letting go: more specifically, letting go of people who were once significant in my life.  

     Letting go does have a ring to it: sounds like the most freeing activity to do for yourself. Although  IT CAN be the case, it has possibly been the most emotionally taxing experience for me to go through. And yes, it has also involved numerous arguments with my brain not to think about those people, several battles with my heart to stop dwelling in negative and self-pity emotions and countless spontaneous bursts of crying. 

     It is no fun cutting ties from anyone you know for various reasons. It is less fun cutting ties permanently from someone you potentially saw yourself talking to for years to come. It’s tough (and emotionally excruciating) realising that people who have once meant so much to you are now people you used to know, and seeing them in public is a painful and personal reminder that they’re to be acknowledged as strangers at all times. Nope, it’s definitely no fun – but I’m realising that it’s best to focus on why you’re doing so, rather that focusing on whom you’re letting go.  

     The first lesson I’m learning is that it’s an opportunity to learn how to put myself first.  I have a very bad habit of placing everyone else before me, and specifically put people who couldn’t give an eyelash about me on pedestals because they have influenced my life positively for a short while. But wasting my mental and emotional energy to keep people who clearly seem better off without me has been tiring, and I am realising I could transfer that energy I use chasing after them to self-care, and hopefully one day, I could love myself properly. 

     Another lesson I’m still accepting is that those people who are better off without me have the right to feel that way. It’s useless being angry because they were the first to cut ties from me. I wish I’d known why they do it in the first place, but it could ultimately be for good reasons, and no one is to judge them or their decisions. Thankfully, they are indirectly allowing space for actually significant people to enter your life, and they no longer have the permission to play around with your feelings. Also, if caring about them didn’t bring them back in the first place, then surely anger will only distance them further and will only make you feel bitter. 

      The final [and perhaps the hardest but most important thing] I am learning whilst letting go is that I’ve ultimately done nothing wrong. Most of the time, I do apologise whenever I realise I might have hurt someone through my own words or actions, but I’ve noticed that sometimes even after doing so, friendships and relationships aren’t meant to happen in the first place. And it’s not because I posses an innate disposition to desist people away from me;  it’s not because I’ve done something wrong which forced them to cut ties from me; and it’s certainly not because I have something faulty with who I am. I still like to be known as the genuine, caring and loving girl, and I should no longer keep perceiving myself as the cause of such unfortunate endings.  

     Life throws situations at us which 90% percent of the time we cannot grasp what happened and why it did. I wish I had the answers to both questions, but wondering about them refrains us from living life with people who should matter to us. And to those whom I’m letting go of –  I thank you for your influence in my life, and I wish nothing but happiness for you. But it’s now time to shift attention towards those who put the effort to stay in my life; and towards myself and my own needs. It’s about time I start loving myself wholeheartedly!