16 – A lot has been going on [Let’s Be Honest]

 Again, I haven’t written in a while and I was going to apologise for it, but instead I’m just going to tell you that a lot has been going on lately. 

     No, it’s not the Final Year at University started and I have so much other things happening whilst trying to start writing my thesis excuse – which to be fair can be applicable to my life because I haven’t started writing my thesis *YAY*. Muddled with that is a sense of hopelessness I’ve been feeling for a very long while: it feels as though nothing great is happening in my life; that everything (including myself) is falling apart; that I’m not able to finish and successfully complete my studies; that the road is so bleak that I’m almost certain I’m going to be doing something I don’t like – and the list goes on. 

     I think the most frustrating part about all of this is not that I feel this way, even though it’s not a wonderful experience feeling like this. The most difficult part of it all underneath this dirt pile of emotions is the knowledge that life isn’t this way: I know that everything will fall in to place; I am going to recover from heartbreak and will love myself because I am worthy of such things. But it’s like I’m constantly wearing glasses with small and black lenses: seeing things through a negative and narrow perspective: and it’s taking a toll on my mental health, my passions and hobbies, and also my relationship with people and with God. 

     At this point of the blog, I usually write about what I can do in such situations, but instead I am going to share some photos I found myself, and others which friends sent me to help me feel better. And after compiling them, I should prioritise reading them more often and taking them seriously.

28c4411cddb61af9740f61a11d6c60d617103341_10212439966458058_5942328879197105439_nthe island22236493_10211045063866855_583650677_n21268641_10210793055526804_1018546915_n22092511_10213333201383095_1591627453_o (1)18217231_120332000429602851_2137111267_n17742438_120332000158954521_820476367_n21903691_10210953834506178_386762655_n20496196_10210564290727827_825547875_n

     I don’t know what is going to happen in a year’s time, but I know that life isn’t all that bad: it’s just taking time to forgive myself, believe in myself and adjust to a better pair of glasses.

     Here’s to myself getting through these circumstances, and here’s to you getting through life: whoever you are, whatever you’re going through! I hope you can find the above pictures helpful.

     And it’s back to reality to start writing my thesis. Happy reading.

Mer. xx


 

 

 

 

 

 

15 – Letting Go [Let’s Talk About It]

     Apologies for not writing in a long while: Summer has indeed been a hectic one >< but as it’s reaching its final moments, I am grateful for the things I’ve got to experience 🙂 in the Salesian community as a volunteer; with my friends who stuck by my side through thick and thin, and through so much more. Despite this good chaos, Summer has given me more time to face my problems, challenge myself and learn throughout the process – and I’ve been learning a thing or three about letting go: more specifically, letting go of people who were once significant in my life.  

     Letting go does have a ring to it: sounds like the most freeing activity to do for yourself. Although  IT CAN be the case, it has possibly been the most emotionally taxing experience for me to go through. And yes, it has also involved numerous arguments with my brain not to think about those people, several battles with my heart to stop dwelling in negative and self-pity emotions and countless spontaneous bursts of crying. 

     It is no fun cutting ties from anyone you know for various reasons. It is less fun cutting ties permanently from someone you potentially saw yourself talking to for years to come. It’s tough (and emotionally excruciating) realising that people who have once meant so much to you are now people you used to know, and seeing them in public is a painful and personal reminder that they’re to be acknowledged as strangers at all times. Nope, it’s definitely no fun – but I’m realising that it’s best to focus on why you’re doing so, rather that focusing on whom you’re letting go.  

     The first lesson I’m learning is that it’s an opportunity to learn how to put myself first.  I have a very bad habit of placing everyone else before me, and specifically put people who couldn’t give an eyelash about me on pedestals because they have influenced my life positively for a short while. But wasting my mental and emotional energy to keep people who clearly seem better off without me has been tiring, and I am realising I could transfer that energy I use chasing after them to self-care, and hopefully one day, I could love myself properly. 

     Another lesson I’m still accepting is that those people who are better off without me have the right to feel that way. It’s useless being angry because they were the first to cut ties from me. I wish I’d known why they do it in the first place, but it could ultimately be for good reasons, and no one is to judge them or their decisions. Thankfully, they are indirectly allowing space for actually significant people to enter your life, and they no longer have the permission to play around with your feelings. Also, if caring about them didn’t bring them back in the first place, then surely anger will only distance them further and will only make you feel bitter. 

      The final [and perhaps the hardest but most important thing] I am learning whilst letting go is that I’ve ultimately done nothing wrong. Most of the time, I do apologise whenever I realise I might have hurt someone through my own words or actions, but I’ve noticed that sometimes even after doing so, friendships and relationships aren’t meant to happen in the first place. And it’s not because I posses an innate disposition to desist people away from me;  it’s not because I’ve done something wrong which forced them to cut ties from me; and it’s certainly not because I have something faulty with who I am. I still like to be known as the genuine, caring and loving girl, and I should no longer keep perceiving myself as the cause of such unfortunate endings.  

     Life throws situations at us which 90% percent of the time we cannot grasp what happened and why it did. I wish I had the answers to both questions, but wondering about them refrains us from living life with people who should matter to us. And to those whom I’m letting go of –  I thank you for your influence in my life, and I wish nothing but happiness for you. But it’s now time to shift attention towards those who put the effort to stay in my life; and towards myself and my own needs. It’s about time I start loving myself wholeheartedly!


 

 

6 – Let it Be [a pep talk – not a spin off on The Beatles’ song]

hey Mer,

this might seem odd and cheesy to write a post to yourself on your own blog, but i felt that you needed this: with university work piling up as your motivation to do such work is decreasing, together with yourself allowing a billion doubts racing through the neurons of your brain about probably every single aspect in your life – about what was and what might be – and then becoming obsessed as to whether such thoughts are rational or irrational, so you end up overthinking about such a conflict which might not be real after all – and the vicious cycle continues even after your brain declines in trying to understand what you really want after all and you give up trying to figure out what is going on.

it’s ironic, because ’tis the season to be jolly: yet you’re ending up worrying about futile things which you cannot do much about right now, which in turn are making you feel overwhelmed to the point that you end up stuck – which makes feel you grumpy and pessimistic about everything which appears to be wrong in your life! yes, i know it becomes tiring to get through such obstacles during the day because they make you feel overwhelmed, but then again who doesn’t have such obstacles? EVERYONE: from the people you’re closest to, to those who might have drifted apart from you, are struggling with something – and although that thing might be different to yours, it doesn’t make their struggling any less valid. you’re right, you might be alone going through such a situation, but you’re definitely not alone trying to get through life. 

all i ask you to do is to let it be: to try not to over-analyse or believe every single thought passing through your mind but instead focusing on doing what’s most important for YOU right now. do the things which you know you love and which may turn your negative vibes into positive ones. prioritise your work on your assignments and study hard instead of wasting time feeding your doubts (i know you’ll regret leaving everything to the last minute). be grateful for every opportunity you have coming your way. Be thankful for every person who has stuck by you in your lowest, when you nag and whine about life. don’t let any negative and petty thing overshadow the small BUT good things you have in your life. acknowledge the tiny successes you have, but don’t boast about them. acknowledge the mistakes you do, but don’t dwell on them so much to the point that you remain stuck and end up doing nothing about them. acknowledge every feeling you might feel when a situation crops up, but don’t let those emotions make you bitter. finally, pray as much as you can – God will get you through this, i know deep down that he’s got something great for you (remember Psalm 46:10)!

despite the life fails you do, you are a beautiful and a strong girl Mer – and i know you can get through this all 🙂 now stop procrastinating and go do your assignments! 

hang in there – you got this 🙂 
much love,

Marilyn xxxx